Onion Headlines

Since college, I have applied for hundreds job postings. Being of a liberal arts bent, I've been rejected for the vast majority of those. Sometimes, the applications are surprisingly fun, like when I had written auditions for The Onion:

These were meant to be headlines for the screen crawl at the Onion News Network's screen.

Roomba sues for restraining order against dachshund.

Infant crushes bottle against head, frat boys call it “awesome”.

Psychic bully invents telekinetic wedgie.

Alabama pastor modifies station wagon to run on faith; three miles per prayer.

Due to AIDS contamination risk, Red Cross no longer accepting blood from Black people.

Evangelical campaign strategist: “sweet Jesus, we're totally boned”.

White House official's new tell-all book: Bush actually “not that bad”.

Google takes over country, replaces all laws with “don't be evil”.

Civil War reenactors loot, pillage after being compared to Dungeons and Dragons players.

Israel, Palestinians settle disputes using rock, paper, scissors.